Marriage Counseling For Maniacs
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory and Ron go to marriage counseling.


** Once again Mallory took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. What would marriage counseling look like with her and Ron? Ever wonder? I did! **

**Marriage Counseling For Maniacs **

"I can't believe we're doing this again," Mallory grumbled as she sat in a waiting room with Ron. "We've tried this **before!** It didn't work!"

"Have you forgotten **why** it didn't work?" Ron looked at her.

"What? Like it was my fault?" Mallory asked.

"Yeah, kind of," Ron told her.

"Those so-called counselors were quacks!" Mallory snapped.

"Well this one **isn't,**" Ron glared at her. "Dr. Laura Lipman is not only a highly respected psychiatrist and marriage counselor, but she's also one of the few marriage counselors that **hasn't **been warned about you! Which reminds me, you didn't bring your gun right?"

"Of course not!" Mallory snapped. "I promised! I can't believe you are making me go through this again!"

"You're the one who wanted return home," Ron said. "I told you. If you want back in the house there are going to be a few conditions. And seeing a marriage counselor is **one** of them!"

"The sacrifices I have to make for my marriage," Mallory grumbled.

"Give it a rest Mallory the Martyr!" Ron told her. "The only thing **you've** given up for this marriage are your Saturday Night Manhunts!"

"I was referring to the two hundred dollars you are making me pay for this!" Mallory snapped.

"Considering you've been making me _pay_ in this marriage since **day one**, it's only fair!" Ron shot back. "And trust me, compared to what I've been through, two hundred dollars is cheap!"

"Are you **still** whining about the time you got shot by the Yakuza?" Mallory was stunned.

"Not specifically," Ron said. "But that is one of the top ten."

"Wow," Mallory said. "I mean wow! Maybe we **do** need a therapist? You obviously have problems letting things go!"

Ron could do nothing but stare at Mallory. Mallory looked back at Ron. "What?"

The door opened and an attractive blonde woman in her mid-forties wearing a conservative cream pantsuit opened the door. "Mr. and Mrs. Cadillac?"

"Actually it's Ms. Archer and Mr. Cadillac," Mallory stood up.

"Just couldn't even give me a second on **that** could you?" Ron groaned. "Hello Dr. Lipman."

"Come on in," Dr. Lipman showed them into an office. Mallory and Ron sat on a sofa. Dr. Lipman took a notepad and sat across from them in a comfortable chair. "Now why don't you tell me what you feel the problem is?"

"Do you want the whole list or the top ten?" Ron groaned.

"I can tell you the problem Doctor in very simple terms," Mallory said. "My husband is an ungrateful slob who doesn't know how good he has it with me."

"And my problem is that my wife is a lying, double crossing money hungry status obsessed lunatic," Ron snapped. "Who would cheat on me at the drop of a hat if she got a chance."

"Well we can always build on that," Dr. Lipman said cheerfully.

"Are you **serious?**" Ron did a double take.

"Well this is LA," Dr. Lipman shrugged. "You two just described more than half of my clients."

"Maybe you **can** help us?" Ron blinked.

"At this point I'm willing to try anything," Mallory admitted. "We've seen at least three other quacks! What's the harm of **one more?"**

"You've been to marriage counseling before?" Dr. Lipman asked.

"Well…" Ron sighed.

FLASHBACK!

"SCREW YOU ASSHOLE!" Mallory was viciously beating a male psychiatrist with a bat covered in foam. "Hang on…"

She took the foam off. "This works better for me…" She swung the bat at the man.

CRASH!

The doctor gasped in horror as Mallory smashed a lamp. "Next time **that** will be your kneecap!" Mallory snarled. "The only reason I didn't shatter it now was because this is a brand-new dress and I don't want to get blood on it!"

FLASHBACK!

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Mallory pointed a gun at a horrified woman in a doctor's office. Ron was on the couch looking equally horrified. "Call me a control freak will you? I **order** you to recant that!"

FLASHBACK!

"Come on Ron," Mallory said as she held her smoking gun. In the background was a horrified male psychiatrist looking at his trashed office. "We're leaving! Before this office burns to the ground!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Yes," Ron sighed. "All of them in New York."

"Bunch of crybabies," Mallory grumbled.

"Why don't we start shall we?" Dr. Lipman asked.

"That would be a novel idea," Mallory said. "Considering I'm paying two hundred dollars an hour for this!"

"I think we should use what I call, the Bad Marriage Checklist," Dr. Lipman said. "It's a list of things that make a bad marriage. We can check off what we need to work on and what we don't."

"Oh goody," Mallory grumbled. "Where did you get this list? Cosmo?"

"I actually wrote some articles based on this list for Cosmopolitan Magazine," Dr. Lipman said. "And several other ones as well."

"Oh, so you're **a published** **quack?**" Mallory rolled her eyes. "That's _much better_. Pam will have a field day over this."

"Just give this a chance, will you?" Ron snapped.

"Like I have a **choice?**" Mallory snapped.

"If you want our marriage to work, **yes!**" Ron told her. "Go on Doc."

"Question One: Dr. Lipman said. "Does one or both of you in this marriage drink too much?"

"I hardly think so," Mallory took out a flask from her purse and took a drink.

"In my case I don't think I drink **enough!"** Ron snapped. "But as for **this one** over here, she could out drink the entire chapter of Delta Tau Chi without a problem."

"Well obviously I can beat a bunch of lightweights," Mallory sniffed.

"Okay," Dr. Lipman wrote something down. "We can check that off as a yes. Question Two: Has either of you cheated on each other physically?"

"Not for lack of trying!" Ron snapped.

"It wasn't technically cheating," Mallory explained. "We tried an open marriage."

"Her idea," Ron added. "And then she got mad when I did better than she did!"

"YOU DID NOT!" Mallory snapped. "You slept with Carol! Who by the way would sleep with anyone!"

"She slept with your son and half the office," Ron said.

"And Pam!" Mallory added. "You slept with Pam too!"

"So did you!" Ron snarled.

"Not before I met you, you twit!" Mallory snapped. "And technically that was a threesome so…"

"So why don't we just put a yes on that one?" Dr. Lipman suggested. "We'll go back to that one. Next question: Did you ever have an **emotional **affair with someone other than your spouse?"

"Yeah," Ron quipped. "My wife has one with **herself**. Does that count?"

"Ron!" Mallory snapped.

"Well it's true!" Ron snapped. "Name **one person** you love more than yourself!"

Mallory paused and started to think. "Hang on…I feel like I should **know** this one."

"Question Four," Dr. Lipman sighed. "Did either of you participate in or were convicted of any crimes?"

Ron looked at Mallory. "You want to tell her, or should I?"

"I was never _convicted_," Mallory sniffed. "And you're one to talk! I know you and that gang of hoodlums you ran around in your youth did some crazy schemes which you won't tell me about!"

"At least my crazy schemes never involved **treason**!" Ron snapped.

_"What?"_ Dr. Lipman did a double take.

"Light treason," Mallory waved. "First offense."

"I've never heard of a second!" Ron snapped.

"Well technically there was a second offense when we took over the country of San Marcos for a few weeks," Mallory coughed. "But that was part of the CIA drug cartel/arms dealing/country music scheme."

"The **what now?"** Dr. Lipman did a double take.

"Don't ask," Ron groaned.

"That's definitely new…" Dr. Lipman wrote something down. "We'll go back to that one later. Question Five. Do you have any secrets in your marriage?"

"No of course not," Mallory sniffed.

"Oh yeah?" Ron snapped. "What about Len Trexler?"

"Never heard of him," Mallory shrugged.

"You never heard of **Len Trexler**?" Ron snapped. "The man you were going to **marry?"**

"Oh, **that** Len Trexler," Mallory paused. "Well it wasn't that much of a secret. I was going to marry him but I didn't. Not that big a deal."

"Doc…?" Ron looked at Dr. Lipman. "We need a ruling here."

"I'm afraid that's a pretty big secret," Dr. Lipman said.

"HA!" Ron glared at Mallory.

"It's not as bad as it **sounds!**" Malloy snapped. "I was only going to marry Len Trexler because I was almost wiped out due to a Ponzi scheme. But my asshole son and my idiot staff used a Russian mind control chip to both literally and figuratively turn his brains to lettuce. So, I had to rebuild my fortune renting the laundromat under the office and do a few let's just say assignments under the table for a few people. No big deal!"

"What kind of under the table assignments?" Ron asked.

"Nothing major," Mallory waved. "I did some minor back ground checks for a few people. Gave some information I had to some other people. Acquired some bonds that were held in a secret safe from one of my former associates and cashed them in."

"And when you say associates you mean _lovers_?" Ron asked.

"There may have been an occasional dalliance in the past," Mallory admitted.

"That's another big secret," Dr. Lipman blinked.

"But I didn't do anything with anyone once we were married!" Mallory protested. "Not counting the open marriage period of course."

"Not for lack of trying I'll bet," Ron grumbled.

"Question Six," Dr. Lipman went on. "Are you preoccupied with other people's needs and problems?"

"My son is in a **coma** so yes…" Mallory glared at her. "And let me tell you, that boy is seriously milking it! Like I have **nothing better** to do than to sit by his side all day waiting for Sleeping Beauty to wake up! Thank God I have e-mail, Nile and Pintrest on my phone! At least I can get things done while I'm sitting there."

"Question Seven: Is there any type of physical or verbal abuse in the relationship?" Dr. Lipman asked, wisely deciding to press on.

"YES!" Ron shouted. "**Definitely!"**

"Ron!" Mallory was stunned.

"You whacked me several times when you had a weird dream that I had run off with Gillette!" Ron snapped. "And you got me shot!"

"I did **not **get you shot," Mallory groaned. "The Yakuza got you shot. Which was technically Pam's fault. She's the one who swindled them out of those amphetamines using counterfeit money!"

"Okay I have to stop you here…" Dr. Lipman said. "You keep saying unusual things. Russian spy chip. Taking over countries. The Yakuza…"

"I know it sounds like some whacked out delusion," Ron groaned. "But it's all true! I have the scar to prove it! Want to see?"

"Ron! Nobody wants to see **that!**" Mallory snapped. "Look I was a spymaster for many years…"

"Running an illegal agency," Ron interrupted. "Hence the treason."

"I was never prosecuted!" Mallory snapped. "I admit some of the things we've been through sound strange but…Well it is part of the job after all. Or it was."

"More like it **should** have been!" Ron snapped. "But all that crazy just keeps following us!"

"I see," Dr. Lipman wrote something down. Then picked up her phone and typed something in. "We may need more sessions than I thought."

"Goody," Mallory said sarcastically. "**More **money from my wallet! Way to go Ron! You just found a way for the doctor to buy a new beach house."

"Condo actually," Dr. Lipman said. "Rental properties make more money."

"Looks like everybody is making more money than you," Ron looked at Mallory.

"Can we just get on with this?" Mallory snapped. "I'm sure the doctor will be anxious to spend my money on new carpeting! Ideally for this office. Seriously, who uses this type of shag carpet anymore? Besides sexual deviants to further soundproof their vans?"

"This does look like the carpeting in Krieger's van," Ron realized. "I knew it looked familiar."

"Question Eight," Dr. Lipman went on. "Do you fantasize about your life without your spouse?"

Ron gave her a look. "The question should be **how often** I fantasize about my life without my spouse!"

"Keep it up Ron," Mallory growled. "I'll be doing **more** than fantasizing. I've already picked out the dress I'm going to wear to your funeral!"

Dr. Lipman was starting to get flustered. "Question Nine. Do you find you have nothing to say to each other?"

"Oh, we have plenty **to say** to each other," Ron said sarcastically. "Especially my wife when she criticizes everything I do!"

"I only criticize you when you do something **stupid**!" Mallory snapped. "Oh, wait that's **all the time**…You're right."

"You know…?" Ron glared at Mallory.

"Question Ten. Is one or both partners in this relationship have an attitude of contempt for the other?" Dr. Lipman paused. "And is constantly putting the other down with sarcastic remarks? I think we all know the answer to **that** one!"

"I think everyone in our neighborhood knows the answer to **that one**!" Ron snapped.

"Nosy bitches," Mallory grumbled.

"Question Eleven," Dr. Lipman went on. "Does one or both partners refuse to accept any responsibility for the problems in this marriage?"

"I accept **my part** of the problems in this marriage," Ron said. "I accept that I should have done a background check before I married this crazy bitch!"

"You're lucky you have me!" Mallory snapped. "Men all over the world dreamed of having me as their wife!"

**"There's** the _delusional_ part," Ron snapped.

"They **did!**" Mallory shouted. "I was the most beautiful admired woman in all of New York! Men fought over me! They were miserable when I wasn't with them!"

"Probably because they all had to go back to their **wives**!" Ron snapped. "And I sympathize with them!"

"I don't know why you can't be grateful to have me in your life!" Mallory snapped.

"That's because you got me **shot **woman!" Ron snapped. "I almost **lost **my life because of your crazy cocaine cartel scheme!"

"Cocaine cartel scheme?" Dr. Lipman looked at Mallory.

"That was the CIA's idea," Mallory waved. "It was part of their budget raising scam. And It wasn't my fault you got shot or that the whole cocaine cartel was a bust! That was mostly Pam's fault! Not mine! In fact, everything wrong with my life is because of **them**! You can see that! Right Doctor?"

"Moving on. Question Twelve," Dr. Lipman sighed. "Does one or both spouses not feel that they are listened to?"

Mallory raised an eyebrow. "I don't understand the question and I refuse to answer to it."

"I think that answers her question pretty well," Ron groaned.

"You didn't answer **my question**!" Mallory bristled. "You see how nothing is my fault right?"

"Question Thirteen," Dr. Lipman went on. "Do you spend more time with your friends than each other?"

"I've spent more quality time with **her friends** than with my wife this **past year**!" Ron pointed to Mallory.

"I would not call those idiots friends by **any stretch** of the imagination," Mallory snapped. "Subordinates that I barely tolerate! Yes! But not friends. Well one is my son so I suppose there is a relationship but not that of friendship…"

"That's obvious to anyone who's ever seen you talk to Sterling," Ron said. "Don't forget one of those subordinates could be your son!"

"Only on a legal technicality which **hasn't been proven**!" Mallory snapped. "I smuggled one of them into the country when he was a boy because I mistakenly thought he might be a Hitler clone. Turns out he's just a regular Nazi clone experiment. Anyway, I had to mix in some legitimate legal documents along with some fake ones and I got mixed up. So, there is a fifty-fifty chance I may have accidentally adopted Krieger."

"The Nazi clone _experiment?"_ Dr. Lipman asked.

"Right," Mallory said. "Is it my fault the forgers at the CIA are **too good** at their job? Is it?"

Dr. Lipman decided to ignore that. "Question Fourteen. Does one of you feel like they are being controlled in this relationship?"

"Don't answer that Ron!" Mallory growled.

"Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen," Ron quipped.

"Question Fifteen," Dr. Lipman sighed. "What is the one thing you **don't** regret about this marriage?"

"The pre-nup," Ron quipped.

"You still have that?" Mallory asked.

"Ms. Archer what do you not regret about marrying Ron?" Dr. Lipman asked.

Mallory paused. "Well the sex was great obviously. I can't lie about that. I just wish Ron would be more open to experiment more."

"I'm not putting a dildo in my ass!" Ron snapped. "Or doing that trapeze thing!"

"Well that answers Question Number Sixteen," Dr. Lipman looked at her list. "Question Number Seventeen…Do one or both of you feel that your children and/or family members is interfering with your marriage?"

"Are you **kidding**?"' Mallory snapped. "Between my idiot son in a coma and my granddaughter being raised by idiots it's a wonder I have any private life at all. Don't ever have kids Doc. They cramp your style!"

"I find her granddaughter delightful," Ron said. "I love spending time with AJ. And Sterling isn't so bad. When he's sort of sober and not being a complete asshole."

"In other words, he's only tolerable when he's **unconscious**," Mallory groaned. "You're not wrong there."

"In case you haven't figured it out yet Doc," Ron said. "**I'm** the one who gets along with her family the most!"

"Now that I think about it," Mallory went on. "These past few months Sterling has been in a coma have produced some of the nicest conversations we ever had."

"That's because you like it when nobody **interrupts** you!" Ron snapped. "Especially when you say crazy things!"

"You better watch it Ron!" Mallory snarled. "**I'm** the one who wanted to get back together and give our marriage another chance! **I'm** the one who agreed to this ridiculous marriage counseling farce! **I'm** the one who decided to be the bigger person to ask for a reconciliation even though I could have held out a lot longer!"

"Not to mention the fact that you're also the one running low **on cash**," Ron added. "And you suddenly realized that as obnoxious as I am, you find my **money** quite charming!"

"What?" Mallory gasped.

"Don't bother to deny it, Mallory!" Ron snapped. "Pam and Cheryl called me up and told me everything!"

"You can't believe a thing those jealous cats say!" Mallory shouted. "And how the hell do they have your number?"

"I've got **your number** babe!" Ron snapped. "They told me **everything**! About the binge drinking! The bad investments! The HOOF disasters! The Alaskan Cruise disaster. The plane ride after where they had to shoot you with horse tranquilizers to get you to calm down! The fact that you're losing money faster than Charlie Sheen on a bender in Vegas! The time you got so plastered on Lemons you didn't know who the hell you were for nearly a week!"

"All those incidents are highly exaggerated," Mallory sniffed.

"I have copies of your arrest reports," Ron looked at her. "I find them **highly accurate**!"

"Here's **something else** that's accurate Ron!" Mallory pulled out her gun from her purse. "MY AIM!"

"You promised you wouldn't bring that!" Ron shouted.

"I lied!" Mallory snarled.

"THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Ron shouted. "SHE'S CRAZY! CRAZY!"

"SHUT UP RON!" Mallory shouted.

"YOU SHUT UP!" Dr. Lipman snarled as she pulled a gun from her purse. "JUST SIT DOWN MS. ARCHER AND **SHUT UP!"**

"WHAT THE HELL?" Ron shouted.

"This is unexpected," Mallory blinked still holding the gun.

"You think you're the **first couple** that walked in here while packing heat?" Dr. Lipman shouted. "I've counseled movie stars, Hollywood agents, reality stars, politicians, mob bosses and rap stars! Ironically, the mob bosses and rap stars are the ones that **don't** bring in the weapons!"

"Great!" Ron groaned. "I survive getting shot by the Yakuza only to buy it in my therapist's office! Just great!"

"I think I've heard enough," Dr. Lipman said. "I'm going to be honest. There are five more questions but it would be a waste of time to read them. And quite frankly, it would be a waste of all our time if you two continued going to therapy when this marriage is quite clearly doomed! Especially when one partner refuses to admit or even see the damage she's causing!"

"Are you blaming **me** for this?" Mallory shouted.

"Did the pronoun **she** _confuse _you?" Ron snapped. "So, it isn't just me?"

"No, it's pretty obvious it's ninety percent **her,**" Dr. Lipman said. "You really should have done a background check before marrying her."

"I admit that," Ron shrugged.

"My advice," Dr. Lipman said. "Get a good divorce attorney Ron and then get as **far** **away** from this woman as possible. Ms. Archer. Get a **life!**"

"Maybe I'll get **yours**?" Mallory pointed the gun at her.

"Try it!" Dr. Lipman snapped. "Pull the trigger! See what happens!"

"You don't have the guts!" Mallory shouted as Ron cautiously backed away.

"You wanna bet?" Dr. Lipman snapped. "Go for it! If you can shoot!"

"Oh, I will shoot," Mallory snarled.

"So, will I!" Dr. Lipman snarled back. "I mean it! You are talking to the woman who did marriage counseling for Charlie Sheen! You think **this** _scares me?"_

"You think **you **scare me?" Mallory shouted. "You're talking to a woman who once killed seven Nazis in a row with nothing but a shovel and a pair of high heels!"

"Good for you!" Dr. Lipman snapped. "I hate Nazis!"

"I hate them too!" Mallory snapped. "And the Irish!"

"Why the Irish?" Dr. Lipman asked.

"They were neutral in the war!" Mallory snapped.

"Not my grandfather and uncles who fought in the war!" Dr. Lipman snapped. "They're Irish! Can't blame them! If you're going to hate somebody, hate the people who fought against us in the damn war! Like the Nazis!"

"Obviously I hate the Nazis!" Mallory snapped. "But I also hate the Irish!"

"But why the Irish? Why not the Italians or the Japanese?"

"I'm not exactly a fan of them either," Mallory snapped.

"So, you're an equal opportunity racist?"

"More like an elitist," Mallory said.

"Obviously you need to work on that."

"Who are you to tell me what I need to work on or not? Can you believe this Ron?" Mallory snapped. She turned to look at Ron. Only to find he wasn't there. "Ron? Where the hell did he go?"

"As far away from you as possible," Dr. Lipman told her.

"YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" Mallory shouted as she pointed the gun at Dr. Lipman.

"YOU FIRST!" Dr. Lipman snarled.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Later that evening at the LA police station…

"I can't believe neither of us got shot," Mallory grumbled. "Usually I don't miss but I did! I think it was that couch."

"It did soak up most of the bullets," Ron groaned.

"Good cover," Mallory shrugged. "I have to give the doctor that. And she moved fast! I mean she **really moved**! Brett could have taken lessons from her how to dodge bullets!"

"Well here's the good news," Ron said as they walked out of the police station. "Since you're not pressing charges against Dr. Lipman and she's not pressing charges against you…You're going to walk out of this."

"See?" Mallory sniffed. "I told you the police were totally overreacting."

"Here's the bad news," Ron said. "Apparently Dr. Lipman has shot up her office like it was the OK Corral before. And not only has her lease been revoked, she's going to lose her license. So even if we wanted marriage counseling from her, we can't get it!"

"It's a shame," Mallory shrugged. "I think I actually **liked** this one."


End file.
